


Eyes Closed

by Kangofu_CB



Series: Beg to Be Loved [1]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Angsty ish, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Not Explicitly Anyway, Some Sex, Weird, no one dies, sort of, sort of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:31:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kangofu_CB/pseuds/Kangofu_CB
Summary: One of the pilots is pretending everything is fine, but it's really not.





	Eyes Closed

**Author's Note:**

> ClaraxBarton, Amberlyinviolet, ChronicWhimsy and I were all challenged to write a series of drabbles based on Halsey songs of our choice. It was intended to be an angst challenge, but I'm not sure I managed that part. This is my first work for that challenge. It's also the shortest and probably the strangest. It's based on the song 'Eyes Closed' on the Hopeless Fountain Kingdom album.

_Now if I keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you_

_But you've been replaced_

_I'm face to face with someone new_

 

* * *

 

Calloused palms dragged down his bare skin. He bit his lip, eyes squeezed shut, panting.

 

The callouses were in all the wrong places, but he was good at pretending. Had gotten better, over the years.  He pictured a familiar gaze in his mind’s eye.

 

“Open your eyes.”  

 

He shook his head, arching into the hands on his hips, but it was too late, the fantasy was destroyed.  He dragged his heavy eyelids up, gazing up into warm, concerned blue eyes.

 

The wrong shade of blue.

 

Fingers stroked across his aching cock, grasping him firmly.  “Ah!”

 

“I’m not him, I’m never gonna be him.  But I’m here, now, with you.”  

 

More clever stroking, his thighs clenching as he thrust upward in response.

 

“I know,” he ground out, torn between annoyance and arousal. “I know that.”

 

He just didn’t want to acknowledge it.  It still stung too much.

 

After it happened, when he’d known the man he’d built his life around wasn’t coming back, he’d lost himself.  Gone a little crazy.  Or a lot crazy. He’d fucked his way through half the city. Skirted dangerous edges and picked unwinnable fights - or they would have been, if he were anyone other than who he was.

 

The others had staged an intervention, sent one of their own into the wasteland that was his life. Picked him up, put him back together.  Sort of back together.  More like a broken vase that had been hastily, sloppily reassembled.  

 

How this man had ended up with the dubious honor, he didn’t know.  Maybe he’d drawn the short straw, maybe he volunteered. Either way, he’d thrown himself on the grenade and somehow come back fully intact.  He’d even brought him back from the edge of the abyss, forged a tentative connection, built on it.

 

And here they were.  Together.

 

Most of the time it was fine, it was good, he could go on about his life in relatively normalcy.

 

Today wasn’t one of those times.  Now wasn’t one of those moments.

 

It was an anniversary, of sorts. He’d gone through the daily motions, mind a million miles away, filled with _what ifs_ and _could have beens_ and _might have dones._ And when his partner had come home and found him staring, unfocused, out the window over the city, he’d taken him to bed and tried to love him back to himself.

 

Now he was just forcing him to the present, forcing him to the here and now.

 

Staring into the endless blue gaze above him, he gave himself over to it, losing himself in sensation, letting the other man bring him down from the edge of the cliff he was poised on.

 

Pretended the moisture on his face was sweat.  Pretended the way his breath rattled in his chest was exertion.  Pretended that the arms wrapped around him were comforting.

 

Pretended it didn’t still hurt, ache, gnaw at his soul.

 

Eyes closed, he was good at pretending.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks SO SO much to gw-ficrecfriday for Beta reading this and the other snippets for this challenge. She did a really marvelous job and the fics are greatly improved by her suggestions.
> 
> But, if you hate them, the fault is all mine. She can only improve what's available to work with, after all.


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